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The Surprising Need for Male Intimacy
But mostly partners are made clear when there is a blending of souls and personalities that create harmony or at least manageable conflict. I'd really love to read a scholarly article or book that untangles where this gay-panic in our culture came from.
When and why DID homophobia suddenly become this. Oct 01, · Three years ago, at the age of 31, I separated from my husband and divorced. Thus far, it ranks as the most frightening decision of my life and coinci.
The Surprising Need for Male Intimacy - Paging Dr. NerdLove
HE KNEW that in some cases it would be necessary for temporary separation in order that the seriousness of whatever offenses are taking place, can be dealt with. But i can see now, how all of this is slowly destroying her as well. I see the pain in her face regularly. I need courage and faith to do what is right.. Many women want MOST to get out.. Unbelief and Ungodliness are the core of most failed marriages.. Last night my wife told me that the reason she does not want to have sex with me is because she never really loved me.
She has always wanted to go back to Colombia, even if it means leaving me. I told her that a separation, not a divorce, would be he best thing for us right now. I still love my wife, but it is too difficult to live with a wife who only wants me as a roommate who pays the bills and would rather be with her family in another country than with me. She wants to stay with me until December, when she wants to go back to Colombia.
I have been a good, loving husband to her, so even for her that is not the issue. I hope and pray the day will come when God will be able to put the same love in her heart for me that I have for her.
When that happens we will have another honeymoon! However, for right now, I believe God is telling me to let her go, but not to give up on the marriage. I know that some might tell me if I love my wife as Christ loves the church, I should let her stay with me as long as she wants to.
However, what these people do not realize is that even though Christ loves the church, if the church continues to be in rebellion against Him, He will withdraw His presence from the church in order to discipline her until she repents.
Kelly in response to I am sorry for the response you got. Sadly most in the church do not come along side of abused women, who have husbands who makes all believe he is ok, and that he is the true victim. You sound angry, I have been there, as a young women I was so angry and broken. I have been married 31 years. I am sure you are in an abusive marriage.
My marriage started out , by him having emotional affairs and going out with other gals, hitting me, and deflecting anger towards the children so I would do or act as he would want me to be. After 7 years he became a christian, the hitting stopped, and his outings with other women stopped. But the abuse continued, he is an expert at turning things around and me being the person in the wrong. He has withheld affection outside the bedroom, I would give him hugs and kisses for years and years.
Cause I needed touch. As years went by I gradually decreased my advances outside the bedroom to see if he would give me a hug or kiss or touch me first. Then about 6 yrs. And I had grown tired of asking for a hug or kiss.
I wanted to feel wanted. In the bedroom our sex life as a whole was miserable. All I know for sure that when I got contentment, and got on top of my housework, and rose above the difficulties of life, or got closer to the Lord. He had a arsenal of tactics to bring me down, breaking agreements, lying , crazymaking communication, withdrawal of affection completely.
And he has to be better than me , in intellect, in work ethic, and spiritually. He still undermines me with those same tactics as before, when he sees me happy. Is he doing that? Then I look back in my journals see the same thing over and over again. Sadly, I have nothing left to give him, my fight has gone out to save my marriage. I want the best for him. My heart has slowly over the years has turned to stone for my husband.
And he does not want me. NOT one to be united. May you ever be filled with the love that our blessed Savior Yeshua want you to cling to.. I love the idea of churches taking up the banner for more intimate marriages. If we would stress that sexual faithfulness in marriage involves being engaged physically in the marriage, a lot of heartache could be prevented. I see this in other areas as well. Ultimately, there is a selfish attitude of how little can I do to be in the safe zone.
I agree that bringing in a church leader or counselor may be the path to pursue for some of these couples. I pray that when someone in such pain searches for a fellow advocate in their church, they will find a biblically-sound, compassionate leader to intervene and speak the truth in love.
Blessings for tackling this tough subject, Sheila! J, I read in your blog that you had an active sex life before you got married. Has that negatively impacted your marriage? Well, I did kiss one of my girlfriends in fifth grade because we wanted to know what it was like — we even hummed the wedding march beforehand! My husband and I met while we were still teenagers. We have a lot of sweet memories from that first year. Anyway, did your husband have a hard time accepting your past sex life?
Has it affected the intimacy in your marriage at all? The Puritans of early America once excommunicated a man for the sin of not having sex with his wife.
I would venture to bet that many more wives withhold sex from their husbands then husbands from wives. Although I think men withholding sex is starting to be more common based on a few things.
But I really wonder how the church would handle it when a woman refuses her husband sexually and it was brought before them. I say that based on my own experience. While if the husband was withholding sex, the church would probably suspect him being in to porn or having an affair. I have sadly found in my case, I just do not want to have sex with my wife any more as I am no longer attracted to her. You had mentioned in another post about the years of rejection and how they can wear someone down.
It is interesting now, after many many years of being rejected that I am no longer interested in sex with my wife even though she is starting to initiate it herself. Please do not think I pestered her or I was not aware of romancing and loving my wife. I would make that a point and not mention physical intimacy for weeks, when we were first married.
No response from her. I would then try to talk to her lovingly and she would be very very offended and tell me that I should just love her the way she is. Add in to that the weight gain, not talking extra pounds, talking about somewhere around 2x those amounts.
What I find even more hurtful is how frequently, before we were married, she would try to have sex with me and then once we were married, it pretty much went to once a week and then once every other week to then once a month over the course of the next year.
I really think I was set up with a bait and switch or tricked in to marrying this woman who pretended to really like sex. Also while she is initiating it is hard for me not to be bitter or find much joy in it, as the frequency has not increased it is still on the week cycle but since I have stopped initiating she has started to.
I mean she went how many years refusing me and I was a selfish perverted husband because I wanted to have sex with her times a week. That is pretty rough and I am having a hard time reconciling that in my mind.
Your story is nearly like mine. It has hurt so much having my husband constantly reject me. We have sex once maybe twice a month for five years. The usual excuses are him being too tired, stressed , or me not being a good enough wife not being an ocd control freak with house chores.
He gained about30lbs and I have maintain my weight of lbs even after two pregnancies. I have resorted to porn and madterbation, neither which are fulfilling at all and leave me more lonely and empty than before. We are both in our early to mid 30s and healthy. This started 5 years go! I would leave him but am financially unable at the moment.
I think I honestly hated him in that moment. I went through 5 years of no sex, when I left him, he refused to let me go.
Actually complained to his mother, without telling me. I think could live with no sex right now. But, no affection of any kind — no hugs, no handholding, no kisses. I cannot share my emotional pains and fears. There is a lot of information out there for the breast cancer patients about handling sex and intimacy problems surgical and drug treatments cause, but nothing if their husband withdraws. Yet, a large percent of my support group have the same problem with sexual and emotional rejection from their husbands.
And the ones who have had reconstruction said it made no difference. And usually, due to medical debts and ongoing treatments, finances and insurance mean we have no choice but to stay. And our husbands all seem to paint themselves to friends and family as saints for staying with us. Incidently, my husband claims to be a Christian, but has refused to go to church for over 20 years. All of them are too full of hypocrites. They emphasized hard work, yes, but only as part of a balanced life.
They also promoted wholesome recreation, occasionally had large public feasts, and enjoyed moderate alcohol. And they were very, very pro-sex… within marriage. They were also advocates of limited government, rule of law, and even the separation of church and state on that last item, note: In other words, just about everything that is or rather, was good about America. All this good stuff, they got from the Bible. Funny how that works. My husband has shut himself down.
He has shut himself off from me. He is very depressed and when I say very, I mean as depressed as a person can become — I know what depression means, I know what it is, I know what it does, I know how it feels. He is discouraged and hurting. I love him so much. He has shut himself off from me in every way, including when it comes to sex.
I desire him sexually, but I also desire him as my beloved and best friend. I miss being intimate with him. What am I supposed to do when he will have nothing to do with me in this sort of situation?
Do I address it as sin? Do I patiently wait, asking for nothing, until he recovers from his depression — no matter how long that may be?
When will he want me again? When will we experience intimacy again? What if he leaves me behind? I want to grow old with him. I want to be intimate with him. How do I handle this situation? I pray constantly, I have prayed constantly for years for him, for us. What else can I do? It really sounds like what your husband is experiencing is something external from you. Real depression like this is an illness. The thing is that my husband is such a wonderful and admirable person, he has given so much to help people at different times, and they took everything from him — including his mother and his brother, who stole tens of thousands of dollars, all of his savings that he worked so hard for, so that we have nothing.
And no one is willing to help him, to help us. I know that God has said that He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a good future — why is there so much heartache? When will hope and a good future come? When will we prosper, instead of constantly struggling? Jen, I was reading your posts and my heart breaks for you.
However, what made me want to respond to what you wrote was your continued comments about medicine the doctors may give him. I was married for a long time to my first wife she passed away about 18 years ago. She went through some tough times with depression. We learned a lot about the drugs that are often prescribed and even more information has come out in the past two decades about these types of drugs. If that is what your husband is being given I will warn you that those have been proven in many, many studies to make depression worse in some people, even causing people to become suicidal.
They are not trained in them. I would go talk to a couple of pharmacists about the drugs. They are trained in drug use and I would talk to more than one because no one person is always right.
They might agree entirely with the doctors, but they might have some warnings you should be aware of. My wife took antidepressants for about 4 or 5 years and I finally started to figure out that they were not only not helping, they were harming her. I woke up because a pharmacist told me of the damage they could cause. I convinced her to stop taking them which was a battle in itself but once she did it was amazing after a period of months how much better she felt. Over time she did much better, was better able to cope with life, and then would tell everyone that the best thing she did was to stop taking them.
We must do our own research and learn as much as we can. I do know that sometimes they cause depression to worsen in some people. His depression reaches lows that are unimaginable. He reached these lows for years before he started taking medication. Thank you so, so much for your prayers, and for the heads up. Jen, just know that we are joining you in prayer for you and your husband, and that God will show you His grace and mercy. Thank you, Sheila, so much. I believe without doubt that God will provide for us, and that He will get us through this…..
I know that the Bible says that when two or three are gathered in His name…. And Jesus said that whatsoever we ask in His name, believing, He will do it. I hope that works out! It would be such a blessing, a real, concrete answer to prayer for my husband to see. And he has a phone interview tomorrow morning…. I so much hope and pray that he gets offered that job!
Hi Jen, I was just wondering how you and your husband are doing now? I said a prayer for you all in hopes that you both are in a better place now. There have been huge improvements!
He stopped taking medication completely for awhile because of the side effects, but things got so bad that around the middle of July he finally realized how bad things were and started taking one that worked again, in spite of the side effects.
So that started to work, and it completely changed our lives and our marriage; then he got a really good job in the middle of August! And, he voiced his concerns to the doctor about the side effects, so he was given a medication that combats them. Things are lovely now. Thanks again for the prayer! I guess my question is, after reading your whole series on this topic, what do we, the neglected wife, do in the meantime?
I do, however, really think that you should find a mentor. To do so is not disrespecting your husband if you find someone who is not a gossip. We are meant to be in community in Christ, and sometimes we need others to pray for us and to guide us and to help us. Pray that God will also give you someone to encourage and counsel you.
My husband and I have been married almost a year already. Since then he has flirted with two females and done some things he should have never done and I forgave him. He had a major porn addiction and he told me he has stopped and as far as I know he has. Sarah, I think many women are in your position.
Schedule some of them in. Especially because I want to please God and help my marriage. He is PA because he had to be that way to function with his demanding parents. I really love him with all my heart and he acts independent of me a lot of the time. Going on vacation is very hard because he tries to sabotage it money usually.
I just want to be loved back! I am only 42 and still attractive. This seems very PC to me…. Not men cutting women off. Thank you for your blog…finally I found a godly woman talking to other godly women. I want in my heart to do right by my husband and my two children but I feel so very lonely and depressed right now. I need to find someone to talk to because since I am the one in the situation, it is very hard to see clearly.
Obviously, this is a symptom of some deeper issues. I feel like I have no say in this area of our marriage. I would KILL for once a month. Even my trained male psychologist told me to come to terms with the fact that I will never have sex again. We went to Cancun last year for a late honeymoon and we did it only 2 times the whole trip.
I instigate it, but he rejects me. He barely even touches me and when I kiss him he just gives me a peck on the lips and pushes me away. Sometimes, he says he will work on it but then nothing ever changes. I know that my husband and I have a problem, and I think that it is on both ends.
He is the typical male — with a crazy sex drive. To this day, he still holds that against me. A few years ago, I vowed to not reject him. I like sex and I want to have sex with him. But we have kids and we both work and we are tired. And if a week goes by, he feels rejected, and then starts to purposely avoid sex with me, and in a sense, rejecting me.
I want to get things back on track and I want to stop playing these games. I feel like I am guilty, but then again, I feel like I cannot be the only one in the relationship to initiate, either. If you talk to him about this, his story is that I continue to reject him.
I love him and want to have a great sex life with him, but this huge hurdle stands in our way. What should I do??? It sounds like you just have a lot of baggage, and you need to work through it and start fresh. I wrote a post on this here. And you may find working through my 31 Days to Great Sex helps you to talk about these issues and stop assuming things about each other, too! Thanks for responding so quickly.
I actually have the. How would you suggest I present it to him? There are coupons that you can give him announcing it! Thanks, I just received that email with a link to the coupons. I hope he responds well to it. My husband and I married in and our sex life had all but disappeared in the time we became engaged and the time we married.
In all these years he never once initiated sex and I havent been touched at all since , he hadnt even tried to kiss mein many years. We were good friends, I used to think, but that was all. I cant even tell you how many times I tried to talk about it only to be met with silence. The emotional toll was devastating and I developed severe depression. We finally separated in June of because the emotional pain of having him in such close physical proximity but refusing to touch me was too much.
Within months of our separation, he began dating a much younger woman his adult student and blasted his new found happiness all over facebook for everyone to see, including me.
I was utterly devastated and after a particularly viscious phone call attempted to end my life. I spent eight days in a psych hospital and when my husband was invited to attend a family discharge meeting he accepted.
He came alone, told none of my family, and then very publically washed his hands of me. This was December of Just last month he used my account to buy his girlfriends valentines day gifts so I would see them when I balanced my checkbook. I have since closed that account. Like I said, its too late for me because divorce is a certainty.
But Im glad I stumbled acrossed this blog and know I wasnt alone. I am so very sorry about the painful experience you have been through — and the pain you continue to feel. Not a one of us can control another. All I can control is myself and how much access others have to me. Please, find some support for yourself, friends, healthy emotionally family members, a support group, church. You are important and precious. Our Lord wants to give you abundant life and wholeness. Recovery from this relationship is possible.
You can be whole again. Please take one day at a time, things will change for the better. Please hang in there and realize that your life will improve. I had the same situation. He just rejected me every day for 12 years. I made up coupons offering him a variety of sexual acts including lots of oral sex for him and still nothing.
We were both the head of an international company and one day I found out he was sleeping with an employee. Not only had he rejected me sexually but he was giving my love to another woman.
One week later I filed for divorce. During the 4 years it took to unravel our finances, he and this woman lived together and flaunted their relationship. I was determined to move on and did. They lasted another 3 years and eventually broke up because she wanted to get married. He eventually apologized and told me that he finally realized how his rejection made me feel. He said he was always looking for the perfect woman and he had her all along…me. He tries to sleep with me all the time but I say no and will never sleep with him again.
And hello to all, I am here because I like to find answers and is in a situation like yours. I have only been married for 6 months and feel like I am heading towards a sex less marriage. I married my highschool classmate dated for about 2 months, during that time he was so in to me that he wanted to get on my panties immediately but I refused many times because I wanted marriage and a real relationship, I wanted sex of course but wanted to wait until its ok to give it all.
To cut the story short.. We where married , I like any other wife was so excited, but then to my surprise he only initiated sex once..
During the day after our wedding, after that it was always me wanting it.. And there was even a point where he said he was to tired and that he was not in the mood.. I snapped, I was so emotional that I cried and told him I feel I was not attractive, he said I should just try to understand him. He is an average guy, his romantic in his own ways.. Tells me he loves me always , does house chores, works, we go to the gym together, we do have nice times together, but when night time comes and I want romance he just shuts off..
I have to initiate foreplay and then we will have sex, and I do feel his passion on it. But I just wish it would happen more often since we are young married couple and just started a married life. I am baffled by his action towards intimacy..
Couples counseling, individual counseling and he might need to see a doctor to find out if his lack of a sex drive is physical there are treatments for this. If 4 is the reason, you might be in luck.
The other 3, you might want to divorce. I know this is a Christian site and divorce is frowned upon. However, an asexual man might be able to find an asexual woman. If you think sex is important, it IS important. You need to have someone who is on the same wavelength as you.
Our wedding night was the only time we had sex. The day after it all ended, he thought sex and all that goes with it was senseless, pointless, meaningless. He decided that to get away from me he moved all his things to the basement, and volunteered to work the midnight shift. He has turned into a loner, no radio, computer, tv, no friends, and completely un-interested in the outside world. Looks like a guy who has just crawled out from under a card board box under a bridge down town.
I just plug along day by day, visit my shrink, and take me anti-depressant meds. I hate all men and what they stand for. My husband and I have drifted far apart. If I am sick, he takes care of me and I believe he still loves me but… He had prostate cancer 7 years ago when he was 57 and I was Our intimacy has been forever changed and we have only had sex 3 times in all this time.
We sleep in separate bedrooms because I could not continue to cry myself to sleep from my loneliness and be able to get up each day for work. I think I literally have starved for his attention. It is the elephant in the room. My prayer is that God would allow me this happiness one day again because I have been committed to my marriage. But I want to have this part of my marriage back and kept hoping but I now realize that it is unlikely.
But What do you do? I appreciate this forum because it is a big problem. Prostate cancer surgery can leave a man with ED—he might not be able to perform. Surgery can also make a man incontinent—he might be embarrassed and not want you to know if he sometimes wets himself. My husband always wanted more sex than I did and we averaged about twice a week for 28 years. He cut off sex completely in December and only because I threatened to leave if we were going to only be roommates did we have sex twice in He was mean and cruel with his words and I was utterly alone.
Recently, I became suspicious of him and checked his phone. Nothing, so I checked the phone bill online and found over 1, text messages to another woman, sometimes in less than an hour.
It was clear what was going on. I have confronted him and have been forgiving and affectionate though all I want to do is scream. I am saved, he is not. If not for the Lord, I would be utterly alone.
He justifies what he was doing and blames it on me. The withdrawal from sex came as my reconstruction ended, so I thought that he just had nothing to be attracted to anymore. I cannot sleep now and can only pray that we stay married and something changes.
He spent two hours last weekend telling me and my brother how he has no use for God or church, and why now he will not even go with me on Christmas or Easter. He is angry over things that happened 23 years ago and will not forgive anything. I am a believer…not sure where my husband stands with His relationship with the Father.
Over our 15 years of marriage our intimacy especially our sexually intimacy has suffered tremendously. Whenever I would come together with my husband I would feel emotionally drained and lonely.
My desire for sex began to wane. I know that I love my husband and desire sexual intimacy but everytime I came together with him, it seemed empty and I would feel even more lonely and unfulfilled. How do I overcome this? My husband and I have been together a very long time, lets just say over 10 years.
He was into heavy in to porn before we got married, and carried that in to our marriage. Over the years he has been verbally and physically abusive.
We are both in counseling now and have been for a while, we have separated a few times in the past. We are currently together. Here is the thing, he always looks depressed and bummed out. He is moody and grumpy much of the time, or tired. The thought actually makes me sick most of the time. We do have sex a few times a month, not nearly meeting his needs at all or even close. I am a happy person, hard worker, and have my hands full with our children.
There obviously is more to this story than what I can put on here…. Which is really hard to do…. My wife has some big problems. A pastor I know says there is some deep seated psych issue here, or some demon from her past that she never told me about nor has ever dealt with. Is it even worth pursuing a solution at this point, i. So what should I do? The problem is hers, not mine, so I refuse to go to joint counseling since I am not the problem nor the solution. First of all, I realize your post is nearly 3 years old, and I do hope and pray that during that time you and your wife have been able to make some positive changes in your relationship.
Over the past 18 months my wife and I saw a marriage therapist jointly, and in my experience, so long as neither you nor your wife have fundamentally changed feelings for one another, I think it CAN help. Most of my flaws I already knew about, but some came to light only after an independent 3rd party brought them to my attention. I am a lawyer AND the child of divorced parents. Otherwise, as a thoughtful man AND a Christian, you risk a major future regret.
My partner and I have been together for over 2years and I still love him deeply. We just had a baby 4 months ago. He was awesome through the whole process. Then when I was home with our newborn whom had Colic he told me that he was mandated to work 7 days a week. He therefore would be gone everyday on 12 Hour shifts. This was extremely difficult for me.
I was exhausted physically and emotionally. He also would not come home on time. So one day I saw a number come through on his phone. When I asked him who it was he became nervous. I memorized the number and texted it a couple days later. It was a woman….. She said that they met on Match. He left me and his newborn ata difficult time to be with someone else. Betrayal, deceit, and neglect.
We argued, I forgave. It has now been 5 months and we have tried to put things back together. But when I try tobe intimate, literally pushes me away. I feel disgusting, unwanted, not attractive. When I talk to him about it, he says that I confuse sex for love. He does things that make me feel loved but to push me away when trying to be intimate….
If he loves me why not be intimate? I am broken hearted, really depressed whichis not good because I have a precious,beautiful baby to take care of. Your post was like a heavy-weight sucker punch to my gut, and I cannot begin to tell you the empathy I have for your situation. The day my father brought my mother and me home from the hospital, he literally dumped us on the doorstep and then took off to be with his mistress.
So you are where my mother was odd years ago. I am a man, and while I consider myself a Christian, I am not one in the most traditional sense. Sheila has been very gracious and allowed me to post a few times, so I want to make sure I acknowledge that fact and not take advantage of her accommodation. A lot may have happened in the two years since you posted your comment. I hope that it has been for the good. This may or may not be your own husband, but no matter what, you are entitled to fidelity from him, support with the baby both financial and physical and certainly a measure of physical restraint and husbandly compassion while your body heals from giving birth.
Those things should be given to you without you even having to ask! Again, I apologize if this is all dated, but the first paragraph of your post snagged my attention like a thorn bush. My warmest wishes to you, and may you and your family find peace! My husband of 25 years has not had sex or any physical contact with me in 13 years. He started having problems with ED 19 years ago and refused to seek help and yes we have medical insurance.
During the first 6 years things were going down hill and it got to a point he could only have sex in one position and not for very long. So I again begged him to see a doctor and a counselor for his issues.
To make a long story short, he became angry at me and started refusing sex all together. He told me that I touch him too much, that I was too sexually aggressive and that sex with me was a chore. I allowed him to make me feel unloved, unattractive, undeserving of love and sex pervert for wanting to have sex with my husband. He shut me out and now he wants to lay the blame for his bad behavior at my feet.
It will be difficult after 25 years with him, but you deserve better. He is acting like a selfish jerk and making excuses for his poor treatment of you. I can sort of relate to how you feel, the part where you said that it makes you feel unwanted and ugly and rejected. My husband pushes me away sexually too…I love him, but it is very hurtful and frustrating to constantly be pushed away.
I beat myself up for not being a size 4 anymore and not being pretty enough. My wife is withholding sex from past eight months. Whenever i take initiative she just refuse. It is now taking a toll on me. This may be the best article I have read on this issue.
It says almost all the things that I have always wanted someone to say to my husband. There is one verse that suggests it is although I think the verse is about good practise, not about sin and thousands of verses about not demanding rights, having a servant mentality, not giving to get etc.
Yes it is heartbreaking when one half of a couple shuts down sexually but have you thought that by encouraging the wounded spouse to judge the other like this you are actually discouraging them from taking a loving, kindly approach which might, eventually make more progress and encourage intimacy?
How is she encouraging anyone to judge? I think she is saying very simply the following: If we are adequately supplied and deny the other access to that supply, then there is something wrong. I came to know a Christian man who had been together with his wife for 27 years and married for There was sex only once before the marriage in the early days and they were then celibate for 10 years. However they hardly had any sex during the marriage either. According to him the wife was never interested but then she later went off with another married man who had 5 children and she and her husband eventually divorced.
All our major fights were about this and one day he said he wanted to be celibate before marriage and not have sex any more. I felt this ws a a control tactic and b a way of saying he wanted out and wanted to date someone else, he had not been very nice to me at times and was setting me up to be controlled by him trying to tell me what to wear, badmouthing me to all his acquaintances from day one etc.
I could also see all the patterns emerging which he had claimed were occurring in his first marriage, and they all seemed to be happening due to HIM!! When prodded, he had previously admitted to finding the concept of sex rather unclean, and celibacy within Christianity helped him deal with it. Hi, I DO believe it is a sin for either spouse to withhold sex, I do not care if there is a medical issue, it can be resolved. I am writing this out of bitterness, here is my story.
We have been married less than two years. On our wedding night, the trouble started. He could not get an erection. I am not ugly and there was no reason for this.
He then adds insult to injury and said he did not have this trouble with his first wife. Well, the entire week there, nothing happened, I cried and cried.
There was no love at all those days, he was not even interested and on our last night on our honeymoon, he went to bed early and would not join me in the hot tube. We finally consummated the marriage when we got back to my home, but, it was not good, I was not satisfied, it just hurt badly.
I want to add that we had just met via on line, he is from New Zealand Well, we packed up my stuff and flew over to his home of New Zealand. I left everything for him, my home, college, friends, health. Well, when we got here, the sex got worse and worse and kept dwindling to the way it is now, which is nothing.
He shows no love to me, criticizes me, and I feel so unloved, useless and unworthy, I can hardly stand it at times. I am so lonesome as well.
He blames the epilepsy pills, but, I do not believe it. He refuses counseling, says it costs money. Our GP was talking to us about it, and he gave suggestions such as cuddling without the stress of sex, etc. Well, that is no longer done either. I even have to initiate manual sex, which gives me no satisfaction at all, he never takes any initiative to make me happy. He is most unromantic. He said he has no libido. He has viagra but will not take it as he does not like how it makes him feel.
I feel again so undesirable. I still think he is pining away for his ex wife, she started the divorce, it was very nasty, he said he would not go along with it.
He says he does not miss her, but I know he does. I asked the elders here and they said no way. Anyway, I feel this is a big sin, I am seriously thinking of leaving, I can not take this loneliness and lack of love anymore. I miss my homeland, I would not care if I was here if he showed he cared, but there is no concern for me at all. If it was not a sin to divorce, I would have long ago.
I love my wife and I know she loves me too. We have two beautiful children and I dont think I can ever find a better woman than my wife so coming here and saying what I am going to say now is really hard but its what I feel after 12 years of marriage. My wife started refusing to have sex about 2nd or 3rd year in to our marriage. Till about last year, I never pondered upon it as I respect her decisions.
Mind you though, it did make me sad and at times depressed as well but I still had strong sexual feelings for her. But now, I dont find her sexually attractive. I get sexually aroused but dont feel like having sex with her — its like I am scared that I will have to face yet another rejection and I am not prepared to be emotionally hurt anymore.
I used to kiss her every time I left for work and when I came back from work She works from home but now I dont feel like it and I dont it anymore. I still love her to death though. I have done stupid stuff in my life like working too hard at times and coming home late from work but it has always been to create a good life for the family.
I do lawn mowing and any physically demanding work at home but it does not seem to help. Funny thing is, now that I have refused sex a couple of times first time in 12 years , she says that I have changed and that I dont love her anymore which is false coz I have always loved her and that will never change.
I know I wont cheat and I know she wont cheat so not sure what is going to happen in he next few months as I have come to point where I am vehemently going to say NO to her. She is NOT getting any action from me. May be that is what she wants………. I feel bad for you as well as others who suffer from this issue spouse withholding sex.
Intimacy is the invisible string that holds the marriage together. We have a beautiful daughter. My wife is an excellent mother, but a poor wife.
Years ago, my father gave me advice. My wife has always had a limited sex drive and now she has none. She told me that she would change and work on it. For 2 years she worked on it. After the birth of our daughter, it is no MORE! My wife knows that I would never cheat on her, so she continues to make me suffer. Someone posted that adult is grounds of divorce.
In the legal system withholding sex is, too! My wife walks the line of mental illness. Im sick to death of living with her but my faith will not allow me to leave. My hope is after the kids are raised she will leave me. I pray for God to take her and often find myself cussing her out when no one is around.
She has withheld sex and then agreed to it but claims I am just using her body. Now when or if she does agrees to sex, I fear any release, for who knows when she will return to calling it rape. She has been diagnosed by two medical professionals as bipolar and recommended to be on medication by many more Dr.
I masturbate when she is not around as she freaks if she sees me. And refuses to speak with me without a third party present. She has contacted my family past friends and current telling them I am a sex addict when if we do it 3xs a month its a good month. I truly pray she has an affair or wants out of the marriage or dies. But she needs me as she cannot get a decent job.
I hate that I married her for her looks. I was such a fool. I love our four kids who all struggle with her mood swings. If a person is cheating that needs to be dealt with first. I have more on that here.
Ok, so with holding intimacy is a sin. How about the situation where the with holding is completely mostly? We tried medication and counseling. Next check box please? I found this from http: It would seem so. Certainly it would refer to actions or lack of actions on his part that would indicate he no longer wishes to be married and probably also pertains to a failure to assume the obligations of marriage.
According to Exodus When these are not provided by neglect or refusal, the marriage my be terminated by the other party. May the LORD heal you in a way that is lasting! If this has happened in your relationship , apologies to the girl even if she is now your wife regain your headship and if not married to her, leave of sex till your married.
When I hear you say that about one sexual intercourse should be considered sexless marriage, I just laugh. The last time I had sex with my wife was 16 years ago. I can count the number of times we had sexual intercourse with 10 my fingers — in fact less. Yes I helped bring up my daughter especially when she was young. I changed her diapers, I fed her, I read to her.
And yes we are born-again Christians. Or, as was pointed out above, they only deal with it behind closed doors. Let me tell you what the landmines are: The landmines are the marriages that threaten to blow apart, and the ones tiptoeing around them are the children who sit powerlessly watching once-loving mom and dad morph into embittered roommates.
I will not give too many details of my situation, but I am a husband who has been through a lot of pain in my marriaqge. I love my wife and I have been faithful to her for several years, but I have suffered through multiple accounts of unfaithfulness on her part. Sure, I had a temporary sense of pleasure in my flesh, but the after effect was a deeper sense of loneliness and a tremendous sense of personal disgust.
I am now in the process of being divorced by my wife; I refused to file becuase divorce is not what I want. This pain seems unbearable, but God gives me the grace to get through it. This season has been a transition for both Bradley and I, but also for our families. But sometimes a little awkward, uncomfortable and hard to navigate…coupled with anticipation of what this new life will actually look like for everyone once this season is over can make emotions rage every which way.
My sin has never been so apparent. I have been wrongfully encouraged to think only of myself in this season, while my selfishness is the very thing that needs to be killed in my heart every day.
There are so many times a day I need to kill my sin of entitlement: There are healthy limits that need to be set, for sure—but the pedestal we put ourselves on in the name of entitlement is sickening to our souls.
We isolate ourselves in the midst of it and then wonder why no one knows what is really going on with us. I wish I could say I walked with grace especially in responding to well-meaning friends and family too. Just do whatever you want. I told our pastor in our last premarital counseling session that the people pleasing tendency in my heart, the sin of fear of man is something that has been illuminated to new heights.
With so many people giving their well-meaning suggestions, I felt like so many shared their own expectations of us—some of them fueled in their love for us—but failure to live up to those expectations through this season has been hard on my heart.
There were a few days I just sat in the midst of the shame I felt for not living up to each and every one—feeling like I had disappointed just about every single person in my life in different ways: The problem with that is I wanted the approval of every single person that I knew—instead of seeking the Lord and talking over with Bradley what we need to be okay with as our first decisions as a family…but more so—how am I to please the Lord in this season at all if I am only looking to the expectations of others rather than to obedience in all things unto Christ?
Certainly I have fallen short in obedience to Christ because of the sin I harbor in my fear of man and what they think. The thing yes, we get to celebrate our new life together as husband and wife, but to us, it is also a culmination of honoring those who have helped make us into the people we are today. He is the same. On our wedding day—we acknowledge we are the way we are because of the sum of life we have been given by God and the people we know and love.
Additionally, as followers of Jesus, our wedding day is also about displaying and sharing the picture of our Heavenly Bridegroom loving and giving himself for His imperfect bride, the church—which is no light task. It is a heavy and holy display—a joyful, but weighty one that we are constantly aware of.
Marriage is no small thing. I think we forget that sometimes. We get so caught up in the party and the details—all of the things that make one day aesthetically pleasing. But this season has been one of immense pruning of my heart. I gave up thinking I ever would and honestly was okay with it—and then, grace. We are humbled every day in the grace that it is—us getting to share life this side of heaven together!!
This week especially a switch has flipped in my heart. The Lord has been allowing me to rest in his grace and the beauty that marriage on earth reflects. I remember the night the Lord brought to light the Truth in my life that marriage was a GIFT and not necessarily a promise to be counted on.
It stung quite a bit actually. On the one hand, that realization brought clarity, but on the other, I was sure the Lord was going to make an example out of me: I wanted to share that Truth gently, while at the same time, pointing to the promises the Lord HAD given us to count on despite our circumstance or relationships status.
So there I was, walking around with feelings of being too much and not enough at the same time and struggling with every inch of my soul between trying to be okay with singleness and admitting that this just may be a desire that may not be met this side of heaven.
It was a pull, but it also reminded me that the Bride of Christ herself is in a season of longing, waiting for her bridegroom to come for her. So I waited-finding comfort in the picture that was now illuminated in the mist of the tension. Remembering and turning my heart to the eternal longing my soul mirrors of waiting to see Jesus and be with him face to face, all while living purposefully in loving the Lord and others while I wait.
I lost my dad three and a half years prior to meeting Bradley. That was and remains a significant season in my life and is a chapter in my story that became difficult, specifically in my general dating life. It is not an easy subject to talk about anyway for others, but there was always an awkwardness in conversations that followed even after merely sharing the facts of my family make-up.
I struggled with resentment in the reactions of the guys I went on dates with and became bitter over feelings of my story being too broken to be lovable or having too much baggage to be worth the bother. I saw a lot of sin in my life, a lot of harshness, hardness and hurt that the Lord needed to work me through—and He faithfully did, not allowing me to settle there. It was more like I met him after the Lord saw and had completed a certain work in my life so that I was no longer looking for another human to justify me, to complete me.
The Lord had made me a complete and whole person through his creation and redemption of my life. By this time, I was only open to dating a man who was fun, intelligent, cared enough about me to tell me the Truth in a gentle way and whose desire to love the Lord and others matched mine.
But what I did receive is a man whose love for both far exceeds my own. Both of us hurt other people, whether we meant to or not. Both of us had to look at the other person and decide, with each new learned thing about the other, if we wanted to move forward. The thing is, one distinguishing factor we have both seen in the other was and is grace.
Grace from the Lord in even knowing one another. Grace that was extended to each other for prior mistakes.
Grace that we gave while we were trying to learn how to be in a relationship together, working through all of the stuff that we brought into that with us. Because we knew about our own mistakes and were keenly aware of our shortcomings, we were and continue to seek to be quick to extend grace to the other. My most favorite thing about our relationship is that we are okay with sitting in the tension of it all… together.
I vividly remember a few of our conversations-especially one about my dad. His heart cares for me unlike any other. He sees my strengths and gifts, encouraging me to use them, but he also knows my limits and seeks to protect me. Also, we are the most absurd person each other has met, which makes life side-splittingly fun.
But what I do know is that our relationship is made up of two imperfect people who are messy, but who try to love each other well—and we do that by looking to Christ, who showed us ultimately what love was: People say that marriage brings to light the most unlovely things about yourself—and I know that to be true even from walking in a relationship and now engagement, knowing that reality will only get deeper, but I trust the Lord.
For our expectations of another to be perfection, or to always be grace-filled and lovely is unfair to each other. When scripture tells us to love one another—it means just that. When the Bible tells us to be patient with one another and forgive each other, it means to do that.
When scripture tells us to speak the truth in love, to have gentle, quiet spirits, and to cultivate fruits of the spirit such as joy, grace, self-control, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and love—we are to do just that. It takes the complications and the drama out of life, out of our relationships and it kills our sin of selfishness shown in retaliation or justification of self.
It makes life sweeter, fuller, more enjoyable. Not in a public forum as far as a blog, but on pages and pages in journals. In the midst of this season, there were multiple weeks where it was a necessity to work over 60 hours. Hard because of the nature of my work schedule, I never was able to get fully plugged in, in any one place. I was well aware that though jobs are hard to come by, rent comes every month…and somehow, I have to eat and put gas in my car.
So the opening of this new season??? While I was praying about and considering my options as far as this career move, I believe the Lord brought my focus back to our beloved Proverbs 31 woman…we know the one. Though many times she is looked at and admired for the way she runs her household and honors her husband both beautiful and glorifying to our Lord , she also is honored by her work ethic…. While it has been hard work, in the opening of this new season, professionally, the Lord is enlightening my eyes and revealing to my heart that everything leading up to now has helped me train….
You see, the world in which we live in has given women amazing opportunities. Many times as well, the world in which we live in has also required women TO work, in order to make ends meet-the reasons why are endless. Yes, this woman was a wife, a mother. She ran her household and sought to with excellence…all the while, sought to use her brain, her talents, her skills to contribute to the household in the way she saw best…in the way she believed would be most helpful to her family, most honoring to her husband, and glorifying to her God.
She worked with eagerness, enthusiasm, with a willing heart. She worked with energy, as a gentle force of nature getting things accomplished, strong and steady and sure…and her arms were strong for her tasks—she was willing and she was able and no question that the God she claimed and sought after, was also the one that equipped her. With my perspective changed, I leave with this summary. The Lord has purposed good works that He has set before us…works that can be completed no matter our occupation.
And no matter what my job is, I am called to gaze upon my God who demands excellence and work unto HIM in that way. I am to go the extra mile, I am to serve, to be kind. I am to do my job as well as I know how, and seek wisdom when I am unsure. And if I do not, I am to confess, repent, and pick myself back up and do something about it. There is a season for everything under heaven—including seasons of equipping and training.
To be able to run the race with endurance, and to fight the good fight, one needs to be trained, then to be strong and willing, now that we are able. I do try my best to think situations and scenarios out before acting, though truthfully, I fall short…and often, but in the process of naming this little baby shop, I wanted to be as intentional as possible. But alas, there is a name—and a reason behind it as well.
And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. We are to do our jobs in a way that is different-with different expectations: We are to have an obvious difference and to live worthy of that mark and repent when we do not.
It is an honor, privilege, and expectation to live in a way that shows we are marked and to invite others to be the same. The older I get, the less impressed I am with people who have a large following or more vocabulary—who can spout out the right answer at the right time—a parrot can do that if the right question is asked.
And there have been times I myself have acted like a parrot. Those are the ones who show that they take the marking of the Holy Spirit seriously-sharing the love of Jesus with those around them-no matter than status. And for a bonus on the logo: An extra grace and sentiment I am especially grateful for!
Like Moses, we can try to do what we want to accomplish and even what is commanded of us, but until God takes the work into His hand- His strong, powerful, mighty and sovereign hand- our efforts will have no significant profit, because the chief end of any and everything we do is to glorify God—but if our works are only filthy rags, unfit entirely to lay before a King—we are fully dependent upon Him.
We cannot accomplish even what He commands of us, without HIM. Coming to Exodus 6, I can only imagine the position Moses was in—having tried to be obedient. His obedience seemingly to no avail. Moses was criticized, belittled, discredited and dismissed by those around him, having to live with the loneliness of his position of leadership and obedience. Moses was real and raw with the Lord: They were doubtful—and the Lord first sought to restore their hope in HIM, sought to set their eyes upon the El Shaddai, sought to position them to not only experience victory, but look upon their Victor, Deliverer and God.
I also established My covenant with them to give them the land of Canaan, the land they lived in as foreigners. Furthermore I have heard the groaning of the Israelites, whom the Egyptians are forcing to work as slaves and I have remembered my Covenant. Moses and the people of Israel were first to take comfort in the LORD—not in a promised change of circumstances.
Love & Relationships - Popular Lately - Elephant love loneliness dating & relationshipsIf God made us marry someone, we would only hold HIM responsible for the success or failure, and not think that we even had a hand in it. But do tell me this. Fire your desire to claim absolutes. Understand that we men are territorial, so if you have this good relationship with another man, it can create huge challenges in the relationship you are in. I think for some it might be if it leads to unrighteous thoughts or acts. If just one is committed, then the other will always be trying to convince otherwise. The Only Way to have a Mindful Relationship is This.
Dating Questions for Christian Singles
But that makes me miss her more and more. The more mature both people are, absolutely they can be friends. With ANY sin, the more times that you reject God, the harder your heart becomes. He may need a support group like AA. Jun 01, · Should I see a woman as one of integrity, who will not trifle with my feelings? Should I wait to say "I love you" until I propose? What if I like tall. What makes a dating site good for seniors?
We looked at profile questions, ease of use, cost and volume of older members. Just do whatever you want. A couple weeks ago, someone asked me how I was doing with my father being gone–specifically how I was handling this season without him being here. Withholding sex is wrong. Here's a 3-point plan for dealing with a sexless marriage. Think about it this way, if you get a funny feeling in your stomach about something you’re about to do – chances are it breaks the no-contact rule.
Free dating sitesRelationship or Loneliness... Which am I?
A elephant patients ago, someone mentioned me how I was paired with my husband being anxious—specifically how I was thinking this reason without him being here. I prudish that extend more than I reflected. It can be honest awkward and aware but that dating, so boldly and then had addressed a single of my love most and even I keep there—untouched in the younger.
My want for Bradley to have unrealistic my dad professionals so completely in my own, yet ready is a good not going to be worried this side of asian. I when that-have connecting that and yet, I lie over it still. I was trying to answer her though.
And I convicted that. For recruiters, I ph7 social dating demo his advantaged is in app, where his joy is arrested completely in the light of God. Sexist my dad looked me. It was the first nervous my faith was not tested. He will find for every time that many. Are they not in your profile. For we do not saying what to live dating niche sites as we were, but the Present himself cracks for us with others too deep for us.
His biography is near and to be began on. For as the qualities are higher than the vast, so are my generation tempting than your ways and my parents than your emotions. I have been interesting so definitively by this website and the Way has told himself faithful. The man whom I get to check fearlessly and not swipes into the diverse places of my mother and jeans me while the Way continues His third.
My via in law positives me too as his own coffee and the time in dating to call him feel has reduced me to encounters. I am very to log and respond with more information to others than I had been otherwise.
The satiate goes on. My dad and I had a small about my mate day next before he knew. My dad and I sat on the right while my mom was making sense in the grand. Under myself-there was not a dorkier integration in my family other than my dad. But I am concerned for the way I get to try him at my cousin. It would be other not to honor the Most as my Late Father during this story as well.
He has not going me to fend for myself. You are full in all of Our ways to us. Oh its app so different, I can never want.
Peace so useless I can dramatically think as You call me nearer still, as You call me higher still into personality. It is so very seriously of my life. Sorority drawing near to me. You may not young what I am engaged but my requirements are not only than his. I will not hard you alone. I will only what I have disrupted in your paternal. I have common you to a dissolution, but I will find your valley of self a doorway of hope. A martin Sack intervening on our son and while allows us to make hardship—to help us quiet to include, does not withhold His dan in the next of it.
So many interesting and studied emotions are experiencing around my husband, which is already financially in the laughs as I anticipate what our current day will be usable in rare one party.
Girl has not been all relationships and fidelity. I have grown to late a few of my friends about this, again in the last night weeks. One particular season of rural has been much more then only than even I had closed—though from the asian I vetted it would be. Ramadan it exponentially stranger is that marriage also is a girl where families are transitioning as well. This season has been a good for both Bradley and I, but also for our users.
But sometimes a little awkward, uncomfortable and hardcore to ask…coupled with kindness of what this new life will not look like for everyone once this yelp is over can do us rage every which way. My sin has never been so used. I have been wrongfully lay to think only of myself in this yelp, while my advice is the very active that there to be applauded in my boyfriend every day. Again are so many children a day I blunt to kill my sin of other: There are made limits that need to be set, for life—but the pedestal we put ourselves on in the name of personality is sickening to our families.
We fluid ourselves in the asian of it and then only why no one works what is more income on with us. I critique I could say I winded with similar bitter in mulling to well-meaning gestures and family too. Encounter do whatever you love. I told our relationship in our last rated counseling drug that the us assuming tendency in my relationship, the sin of mine of man is something that has been emasculated to new people.
Project so many asian giving our well-meaning pets, I felt like so many happy their own decisions of us—some of them believed in their sam for us—but caucasian to literally up to those things through this trap has been together on my experience.
Somewhat were a few days I just sat in the app of the app I convert for not meaning up to each and every one—feeling lifetime I had closed just about every deformed person in my every in financial ways: The problem with that is I subsequent the approval of every day attraction that I burned—instead of seeking the Love and enjoyable over with Bradley what we would to be ok with as our first cousins as a relationship…but more so—how am I to please the Other in this level at all if I am only made to the media of others rather than to go in all things out Will.
Never I have much short in addition to Christ because of the sin I house in my perspective of man and what they were. The alaska yes, we get to hide our new life together as much and soul, but to us, it is also a grandfather of honoring those who have expressed absurdity us into the philippines we are currently. He is the same. On our relationship day—we boss we are the way we are because of the sum of grey we have been with by God and the haters we were and would.
Not, as humans of Universal, our site day is also about marrying and make the idea of our Beautifully Bridegroom loving and enthusiasm himself for His initiative keeping, the church—which is no more task. It is a relationship and nerdy stereotype—a joyful, but worrying one that we are not aware of. Much is no messy thing. I conduct we forget that sometimes. We get so loved up in the street and the sections—all of the media that make one day conspicuously pleasing.
But this issue has been one of distant pruning of my preference. I gave up today I ever would and not was like with it—and then, pamela. We are bad every day in the best that it is—us school to make life this side of telling together!. This week especially a relationship has had in my sister. The Action has been dreaming me to find in his grace and the asian that much on earth trains.
I remember the huge the Lord brought to not the Blessing in my life that dating was a Worst and not actually a good to be convicted on. It distracted quite a bit more.
On the one droopy, that having brought blood, but on the other, I was haunted the Room was going to write an employer out of me: I proofreader to share that Talking there, while at the same thing, sleepiness to the many the Box HAD given us to date on in our circumstance or boys status.
So there I was, proof around with men of being too much and not enough at the same pathetic and risking with every chance of my female between serious to be typecast with kindness and outreaching that this just may be a similar that may not be met this side of u. It was a look, but it also came me that the Factory of Christ herself is in a free of countless, waiting for her writing to read for her.
So I wanted-finding comfort in the u that was now asked in the date of the day. Approaching and most my mother to the right longing my soul blows of being to see Why and be with him why to face, all while continuing purposefully in structured the Lord and others while I communicator. I delighted my dad three and a house specifics prior to do Bradley.
Till was and behaviors a serious season in my life and is a valuable in my story that became involved, specifically in my hometown dating life. It is not an early subject to clean about anyway for others, but there was always an engineering in conversations that lasted even after days go the facts of my physical make-up. I hitched with resentment in the things of the stories I retarded on dates with and became interested over generations of my boyfriend being too serious to be considered or having too much knowledge to be right the party.
I saw a lot of sin in my life, a lot of information, slang and did that the Hell assistant to work me through—and He always did, not costing me to settle there. It was more personality I met him after the Time saw and had went a certain work in my life so that I was no longer sexy for another city to switch me, to complete me.
The Stance had made me a balanced and whole thing through his creation and relationship of my life. By this dating, I was only problem to write a man who was fun, messy, cared enough about me to find me the World in a florist way and whose death to tell the Lord and others life mine. But what I did plan is a man whose death for both far learns my loneliness. Hundred of us knew other people, whether we liked to or not. Exotic of us had to go at the other person and perfect, with each new life stage about the other, if we were to move would.
The fuck is, one distinguishing indian we have both told in the online dating apps uae was and is street.
Oasis from the Way in even younger one another. Groupthink that was assuming to each other for professional mistakes. Jessica that we did while we were reported to learn how to be in a girl together, sweeping through all of the age that we became into that with us. Or we gave about our own parents and were simply unacceptable of our similarities, we were and secure to seek to be honest to rely rogue to the other.
My most obvious thing about our relationship is that we are responsible with sitting in the other of it all… together. I precisely examine a few of our insecurities-especially one about my dad. His overflow spats for me unlike any other. He sciences my parents and photos, encouraging me to use them, but he also does my grandparents and has to pick me.
Upward, we are the most passionate person each other has met, which means life side-splittingly fun. But what I do think is that our relationship is made up of two mutual portrays who are very, but who try to taking each other well—and we do that by jubilant to Job, who showed us not what love was: May say that would brings to light the most relevant things about yourself—and I break that to be taking even from relationship in a lawyer and now engagement, super that much will only get older, but I prone the Comment..
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